Divorcing? Maybe you were meant to be just friends?

Are you married to your best friend but desperately want out of the marriage? That seems to happen quite a bit. You get married because you truly like someone, maybe you even love him or her. But you are not “in love” with the person. You feel no passion for them, no lust, no spark. You know the marriage isn’t going anywhere and you want out. But you can’t bear to tell the person that you don’t want to be married to them anymore. You don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. How do you tell your husband (or wife) you want a divorce when you are in a situation like this?
That is a rough spot to be in. I remember an interview Angelina Jolie did where she admitted that Brad and Jennifer were “best friends.” I wondered how she could say that, yet justify the fact that Brad left Jennifer for her. But on closer inspection, I realized there was all this subtext that I missed the first time around. “Sure, Brad and Jennifer were best friends. But they were not best lovers. Brad did not want to shag Jennifer as much as he wants to shag me.”
People say the first thing to go in a marriage is the sex. And what is left is an enduring friendship. So I would say to someone who is thinking about getting a divorce on the basis that they are only “best friends” with their spouse, think twice. Friendship is not such a bad thing. In fact, it is one of the most solid bases on which to lay the foundation of a long term marriage.
However, sex is a very important criterion in any healthy relationship. It is so important, that in New York State, not getting it is a basis on which a person can get a divorce. It’s called Constructive Abandonment. If you just don’t want to sleep with your spouse, and you haven’t given them any in over a year, that’s constructive abandonment and they can divorce you on that basis alone. (I think it is a bit different if the person has a medical condition like Diabetes which can cause impotence. I don’t think you can get a divorce on the basis of constructive abandonment if the person is physically and medically unable to perform the sexual act after the marriage takes place – if the person fights the divorce.)
But how do you tell someone you care for, (your best friend!) that you want a divorce? That’s rough. But if that is how you feel, then you owe it to them to let them know.