Divorcing with a child who is the product of a "secret" affair?

You bad girl! Naughty, naughty!
Well, so what’s the problem now? Are you afraid your husband will find out? Or I should ask, is that why you are getting divorced? Oh, you naughty thing!  If not that, what? Are you afraid that your husband will find out that when you used to leave the house in all that sexy lingerie, and the body hugging power suit, and the perfume it was really to get it on with the boss all those times you were “working late?” 
Or does he know but has long forgiven your naughtiness which is no longer an issue, and he still thinks of the kid as his?
Or did he know all along, accepted the child as his, but now that you’re getting divorced, he does not want to pay child support? I can see myriad issues with this scenario.  This is not an easy scenario! Oh My God! I’m sorry. I can handle this. I am a mature, divorce attorney in New York. This is no big whoop…
If your husband does not know, my advice is, weigh whether telling him will make more or less sense for your particular situation. I mean, does he absolutely need to know? Yikes. That is sounding kind of bad even to me. I mean, a man ought to know the truth about his paternity.  But…well, sometimes, things just aren’t the way they ought to be, you know? Sometimes truth is really really inconvenient.
So, should you tell him now that you are divorcing that his son is not his son? Way to complicate an already complicated situation, wouldn’t you say? I guess my first question is, how do you think he will take it? Why is telling him important now, when, obviously, while you were married, it wasn’t so important? Does the biological father know, for example? Is he putting pressure on you to tell? Or do you want to tell just to hurt your husband? Or has your conscience just gotten the better of you?
Or maybe you don’t want to tell. You are deathly afraid he will find out as a matter of fact. What will that do to your child support? I mean, if he is poor, it may not matter so much, but what if he is well to do, like, say, Kirk Kerkorian, the Los Angeles billionaire? Didn’t Lisa Bonder Kerkorian petition the Los Angeles court for over $300k per month in child support when the child was not even her husband’s but in fact she was the child of Steve Bing, Elizabeth Hurley’s ex and father of Elizabeth’s son? In fact, in trying to prove that Lisa had lied about Kirk’s paternity, a career lawyer with 44 years under his belt got convicted of illegal wiretapping and will be spending a few years in prison as a result…
Is your story similar to Lisa”s? Or maybe your husband knows full well that you had that sexy little fling with the boss years ago, and that the child is not his. But, see, it was how he won you back from the other man, was it? He vowed to love you no matter what, and to love the child as his own. To win you, he acted as if he was the child’s real father, never letting on to anyone, what the real truth is. The child thinks your husband is his/her real father. The child calls your husband “daddy.” Your husband has “held himself out to the entire community as the child’s father,” and is the only father your child has ever known, as a matter of fact. A dutiful man, your husband has kept your secrets for over two decades as a matter of fact – because he wanted to impress his buddies with his apparent virility and ability to still produce kids at his not so tender age. Huh? Hme….
And now? Let me guess. Now, things have changed. He is saying that he should not have to pay child support. But of course. Now that the divorce is pending, he and his lawyer are trying to get out of his having to pay child support and college tuition for your child from an extra marital affair. Now, all of a sudden, you’re a liar, you’re a cheater and you are a bare-faced conniver who tried to pass off a lover’s spawn as your husbands. Is that your story?
In fact, now he wants to use the whole affair from years back against you. He wants to get a divorce on the basis of that act of adultery over two decades ago!  And he wants to leave you penniless and your child destitute without any prayer of a college education since you no longer work.  And why don’t you work? Because he forbid you to work all these years. He didn’t want any other man seeing you in those killer power suits ever again!
So, where does that leave you, poor dear? Well, whether he knew or not he said the child was his, and he acted as if he was the father, the child calls him “daddy,” the community thinks he’s the child’s daddy. I think he is stuck. If the child us under 21, he’s stuck pursuant to New York. It is called equitable paternity, baby. Even though he is not the biological father, he is the equitable father.  He has to pay child support. 
But let’s look at the other scenario. Let’s say he doesn’t know. If he doesn’t know, you have to decide what is to be gained by telling him. But whatever you do, think of the child. Think about the child. Ask yourself, “what is best for this child?” Then act, or refrain from acting.