The shagalicious divorcee: How to bounce back after getting dumped

As you look at your marriage, post mortem, how are you feeling? What are you thinking? What will you do? I’ll tell you what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to sit around drinking scotch and popping Quaaludes. Do they still make Quaaludes? This is hysterical. I feel like I’m writing a Jacqueline Susann expose. No, but seriously, you’re going to get yourself together from day one. Understand? You are going to make yourself utterly and divinely shagalicious, like Ms. Berry over here.
How does a divorcee make herself shagalicious? Well, she’s not going to get a gun. But she may want to get a really good cell phone, like the iPhone, or Black Berry Pearl. It just instantly chics you up and makes you feel new and in charge.
But beyond these preliminaries, the new divorcee’s going to do as I say and not as I do (because right now my diet consists largely of pizza and hamburgers and Starbucks chocolate brownies so you can only fathom what I look like right now as I preach about shagaliciousness. Too damn funny!!!).
Okay. Here are five things you can do right away to increase your shag appeal:
1) Start at the inside. Heal yourself from the inside. How do you do that? It is personal. You have to figure out what makes you happy, what makes you feel confident and good about yourself. Who were you before you even met your now ex-husband?  Get back in touch with yourself. Learn to love YOU without permission and endorsement from anybody else and from him. Self love, shagaliciousness, confidence, all of that starts within. If you are not healthy within, in you mind, soul and heart, you can never be shagalicious.
2) If you stopped working out, start working out again. If you don’t want to join a gym, take up something like Karate, Yoga, tennis, walking, jogging, boxing, swimming or some other sport. Excercising always increases your shag quotient because you feel so strong, and vibrant when you are done. When I work out I feel like I can pick up the Empire State Building and hurl it down Madison.
On the other hand, not exercising makes you feel sluggish, fat and ugly. And if you’re eating a lot of crap to boot, like hamburgers and Starbucks chocolate brownies which have about 410 calories a pop (sometimes I have two, what about you?) then, darling, you are going to be a hot mess before long. Stop it! Get control of self and your emotions and your physical appearance. I mean, I didn’t just get dumped, but if I had, I would be damned than to run into my ex husband looking like a tub of lard.
3) Get some new clothes. Nobody is asking you to break the bank. With this economy, unless you’re a Trump, you probably don’t have that much disposable income. But you know what? If you’re strategic about what you buy, it goes a really long way. I always look at shoes and coats in winter. If my shoes are raggedy, I get depressed. So, I am likely to buy something new for the feet in winter. Something that puts a pep in my steps.
Black patent leather is always a pick me upper at this time of year. It doesn’t have to be Manolo Blahnik, or even Alexander McQueen’s or Balenciaga’s “fierce stilettos.” It doesn’t even have to be a pair of Jimmy Choos’ five inch satin sling backs. No. There are many other options that are more affordable if that is in issue for you. I mean, a pricey stiletto is not a bad idea if you can handle it and the price. But if you can’t, if you only wear flats, stay true to yourself. We don’t want you looking ridiculous and feel old or breaking the bank. We want you feeling comfortable, sexy and young.
As for a coat, you must have a good coat on when you’re trying to feel good about yourself. Raggedy coats are just the worse at this time of year, and when you feel down. So figure out your budget, and go get yourself a new coat. One for everyday wear not something you would put away in the closet. Or maybe just a new bag is what you need to feel new and fresh? New bags can really transform your mood and appearance, just like that. Snap. And again, it doesn’t have to cost as much as a mortgage payment.
4. Do something new with your hair, makeup and/or start getting manis and pedis and eyebrows groomed. And get a killer pair of black sunglasses which you should wear everyday. I find that a lot of married women start to relax once they snag the man and forget they are still women who should be taking care of their appearance. Not necessarily for the man. But for you. Do it for yourself. Because, I hate to see it, but while you think your husband may not care about how you look, he’s at work or wherever he is, admiring and hitting on other women who do pay attention to these matters of personal grooming. So, if you had stopped doing these little things for yourself, now that you’re divorced and you are trying to get your shag back on, start doing them again. But do it for you. That way, no matter what other man comes into or out of your life, you will continue to do it for you? You know?
5. Finally, you have to start meeting new guys.  Don’t look at me. I am still trying to figure out where to meet a nice, normal, honest, relationship-minded gentleman who won’t bust up my heart myself. But many of my friends, acquaintances and past clients have found love online – through Match.com, Craigslist, and other dating sites. Or, have your friends set you up on blind dates with people they know. I am always wary of the blind date set up because I hate to think of a play by play getting back to the person who set me up, you know? But not everyone is as uptight as I am. You really shouldn’t be. Be freer with yourself, and explore possibilities. How else can you find new men? Girl, I don’t know. Mold the bastard. Out of your own clay. I don’t know.  :)) Look, check out this link to First Wives World. They have a nice article on online sites for divorced women who want to start dating again: http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resource/sex-the-experts/erika-moore/the-5-best-dating-sites-divorced-women
But really, look at those movie stars. They get divorced and they just up the shag ante like you wouldn’t believe. Halle Berry just gets hotter with age, and with each divorce. Demi Moore, look at that. Ashton friggin Kutcher? Are you kidding me? Nicole Kidman never looked better and now she has a little girl even though she’s over 40. Did you see Jennifer Anniston in that magazine the other day?  Which was it? I have no idea but I heard about it. Haute, Haute, Haute. And she’s dating a guy 10 years her junior. Haute! Haute! Haute!
So, little Ms. You, just because you got a divorce (or are getting divorced) doesn’t give you an excuse to sit around moping. Pick yourself up. dust yourself off. Only you can do it. And be the shagalicious diva that you are….if only I could stop eating these bloody Starbucks brownies.  Help!!!