Portrait of a messy Divorce

You know what? I think I have an over-active imagination and altogether too much free time. What do you think? I mean, I am sitting here on this cold December night, with my big cup of chocolate foaming all the way to the rim with a couple of marshmallows in it, pretending to be this raconteur who sort of comes up with all these divorce scenarios when, I’ve never experienced divorce. I mean, I’m a divorce lawyer, true, but I am completely clueless about this subject, by and large. I only know what my clients tell me. The rest, I have to imagine. Sometimes,  I am beside myself with amusement because I say things and then I realize, what the hay are you talking about, woman? You know? 
Not that I take this subject lightly. I don’t. It’s very serious. It’s very grave. It’s just that sometimes I just find it funny some of the things I am saying, and I wonder if I am writing to myself or if anybody is reading this stuff, and in a way, I hope nobody is reading this stuff, that I am writing in a vaccuum. But if they are, I wonder what they think of me, and whether I am wrecking my career with all this stuff that I write so impulsively. You know? What if people don’t get it, or me? What if they twist everything around? What am doing? Why do I feel so compelled to write this stuff? What am I doing?!
Sip. Sip.
But, so, on my way home tonight, I kept thinking I wanted to write about “portraits of a messy divorce.” Yet, even as I bore you with my long intro, I still have no idea what I’m going to say about this subject. Cause, what do I really, really know? At the end of the day? About messy divorces? I have been lucky that in my practice, so far, I haven’t had a “messy” divorce. People get annoyed and irritated, true. I have a client who, even to this day, years after the divorce was adjudicated, she strictly refers to her husband’s mistress as “that –ostitute!” And it just kills me very single time. It kills me. Because she has a lisp and it’s hilarious how she says it. It just cracks me up every time. But by and large, I haven’t really had a “messy” divorce, like, say, War of the Roses, or Kramer v. Kramer. Maybe that’s because I haven’t personally ever had a divorce. I suspect it would be epic.
Sip. Sip.
So, what is the portrait of a messy divorce? I see it involving young children, school aged, uniform wearing, little munchkins who are the pride and joy of both parents – both of whom are strong willed, controlling and determined to have the kids live with them no matter what, and how much money it costs, and how much they have to character assassinate the other parent. With enough money, this is a recipe for some serious judicial brouhahas.
Sip. Sip.
I see adultery as being an issue in a divorce like this – the betrayal, jealousy, devastation and shock makes for some very serious tit for tats in the court room (and maybe even in the press). I mean, was this just a unilateral cheating scenario? Or was the Mistress shagging the chauffeur while the Master was off bonking his 25 year old, fresh out of law school associate? (or some similar permutation). But, I think it would be messier if the husband was cheating, the wife found out, and the hell of the fury spilled into the streets. I just think women react more viscerally in this scenario. A man who is cheated on can have, say, a deadlier anger that is quick, but they ultimately handle rejection better than we do, hands down. They just go away while we want to exact our revenge – and it’s got to be slow and painful, my friend. It’s kind of like, the wife has to make the son of a %$%# pay, big time, my friend. Slooooowly and paaaaaainfully.  Am I right or wrong?
I see some very serious wealth issues in a divorce really messy. Not that people of modest means can’t have messy divorces but they generally don’t have the money to pursue their darkest passions. Messy divorces can cost over $100,000.00. How does someone on a $50,000 per year salary afford that? Obviously, the can’t. So messy divorces usually involved people of high net worth. We are talking about people, wives especially, who are used to “living properly,” and they are not about to relent or put up with any nonsense from anybody, including their divorce attorney, the judge, their husband and his counsel, or anybody whatsoever till they get their pound of flesh and a fattened bank account to compensate for their emotional distress. Cause their emotional distress is very pricey, mister. 
Sip. Sip.
I remember years back when I was fresh out of law school I was temping with a major firm in Midtown and they were handling one of these types of divorces; and I never forgot when she said to me “you have to know how to live in the city [Manhattan] properly.”  And the way she looked me over, I felt like a ruffian.
Sip. Sip.
I see this couple having major fights over assets. That, and custody are usually what people fight over. And with enough money, you can bet there is a strong possibility of somebody (the main wage-earner usually) transferring assets or dissipating assets.If there is a prenup – and there usually is – then the wife is looking to set the prenup aside – except in those rare cases where the husband under-earns the wife.
The longer the marriage, the messier I think the divorce would tend to be. Maybe that is because people feel they have invested more. It makes them angrier. Especially women. They feel like they’ve wasted their youth, the best of their years on this man. And now, look at it. He’s got a girlfriend half their age, and no amount of surgery is going to make them even look 30 again. They just probably end up looking slightly ridiculous with a man young enough to be their son, and he, the ex husband, looks like a stud next to his new, nubile chicklette. It’s enough to make anybody spastic, I tell you.
The final element of a messy divorce is the press. The press brings a whole other dimension to this process. The press literally compounds the intensity of emotions, and public scrutiny can literally have a transformative effect on the personalities in the divorce action. They all, including the lawyers, start to play to the camera and when that happens, the mess just gets real hot.
I think Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook’s divorce was messy. It could have been worse, but it was definitely a hot mess.
The YOUTUBE woman, what was her name, Trisha Walsh Smith? She had a gigantic mess of a divorce.
Kim Bassinger and Alec Baldwin had a messy divorce.
Donald Trump and Ivana had a messy divorce.
Brad and Jennifer had a messy divorce, sort of.
Heather Mills and Paul McCartney had a big mess.
You know who had a really classy divorce?  Robin Williams and his wife. I hear it was a “collaborative divorce.” And now, he’s alleged to be happily dating a nubile twenty-something. And I’m sure his wife wishes him well. Yea, right.
Sip. Sip.