This post may be totally inappropriate, but I couldn’t resist spoofing Jake Desantis’ email sent to his bosses at AIG, which was an Op Ed in yesterday’s New York Times and which you can find here: http://www.nytimes.com
Jake as everyone knows by now is an AIG exec who spectacularly quit his job yesterday and promises to return his bonus money to poor folks with no jobs….So here is the spoof email:
First of all, just so we’re clear, I, xxxx xxxxx, am not responsible for the break down of this marriage. These “credit default swaps” that have “hamstrung” this marriage and wrecked this relationship, is really the fault of, freaking, the boogie man who ran off once he saw my marriage had started to take in excess gas.
I have made a lot of sacrifices in this marriage and I feel betrayed. By everybody. Most of all, my wife, my spouse for making promises that she knew she couldn’t keep and tantalizing me and being an overall…tease…knowing full well she had no intentions of following through on anything she promised to do in this marriage, to make this marriage work, least of all go to marriage counseling. This was fraud in the factum.
And you know what? Fine. I don’t want any equitable distribution from her. I don’t want any property settlement. I don’t want any alimony or maintenance. Whatever my wife agreed to give me, I give it back. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. Me and new wife have more than enough money to see us through 3 recessions. I will donate the dough to philanthropic causes in East Bubble–whatever. Or to poor people who don’t have jobs. I just want my freedom. I just want out of here because there is too much “bad blood” and I can’t take another minute of it.
Chock this whole thing, this mistake, up to “irreconcilable differences” you bastards…we’re not going to have a grounds trial on this nonsense and waste more of my time and energy.
And you know what else? This was a dysfunctional marriage and I gave this marriage 11 long years of my life! These were prime years that I can never get back, you got that? By any stretch of the definition, this was a “long term marriage” and should have been given more respect and dignity by this court and that woman I married. I was a dutiful husband. I did all I humanly could have done. I sacrificed EVERYTHING and then some. And what was the thanks? Huh? What did I get for all my troubles? A disgruntled and ungrateful wife who doesn’t appreciate NOTHING I did. The only good thing that came out of it is my kids. She can’t have my kids.
I was a good husband, a good provider. And you know how I got to be that? I went to a damn good school and I worked hard and got a good job which she just took for granted. I deserved the best wife, the best marriage, the best perks, the best….consortium! that I could have gotten my hands on, you got that? I DESERVED IT. I EARNED IT.
And you know what? I got nothing. Kicked in the teeth. Cheated on. I feel nothing but pity for the new man. It’s not his fault. He can have her. I actually pity him. But man to man? I feel betrayed by his failure to set everybody straight (especially her mother) and make it clear that it is the chick’s fault, not the guy’s and nobody should be pointing fingers and me and guys like me. We are the good guys! So we go out for drinks sometimes. We swear on websites like Dealbreaker.com. So what? What has that to do with the quality of “husbandship” that I provided this woman all these 11 long, excrutiating years?
Now the judge is hurling reckless and baseless accusations at me and throwing the book at me? Are you kidding me? What does my high priced $750 dollar per hour lawyer do? He stands by and let it happen and fails to inform the judge that it is my wife’s fault for failing to honor her commitments in the prenup and to “honor the guarantees” in the first place that, that, that we stipped to in our stipulations–both the prenup and the post nup. And my lawyer? He had the chance to tell me to try to renegotiate both the prenup and the post nup, but he failed to do so, and then he runs me under the bus in court and leaves me exposed. Fails to defend me. Agrees with the judge that I am the bad guy. And as far as I am concerned, he should be held in CONTEMPT by this honorable court, your honor.
But you know what? I will not suffer the final insult of being adjudicated a husband who was CRUEL to his wife. Because she is the one who was cruel to me. I am going to do two things. I am going to fire my lawyer heretofore right now; and I will proceed pro se. And then, I am going to counter-sue that woman for divorce on my terms so that she can’t say she “shoved me out the door.” To that end, let this serve as NOTICE wifey dear:
I DUMPED YOU FIRST!