NOVEMBER 2009 DIVORCE HOROSCOPES, by divorce saloon

zodiacARIES: You may be getting divorced but your shaggaliciousness is off the charts at the moment for some weird reason. You are setting off all these sexy vibes at a time when most people would be too depressed to be sexy. You are giving off so many sexy vibes, in fact, that your spouse may change his/her mind when they see how many people suddenly have interest in you! Just keep in mind that it takes more than sex to make a great marriage, so don’t go back if that’s all you’re being offered.
TAURUS: It was your fatal attraction to the other person that almost ended your marriage and almost landed you in divorce court. But you were able to successfully convince your spouse that there was no affair going on. The good news is, it feels really exciting right now and you’ve never felt more alive. The bad news is, this is a bad relationship that won’t end well. You are well advised to seek counseling and prepare for a really nasty split since your spouse will mad as hell about the situation.
GEMINI: You thought your spouse was a drill sergeant who had no business being in a marital relationship? Wait. You know the devil you have not the one you are going to get. Be very slow with starting your next relationship. Really vet the candidates really well. And that person you are fantasizing about? There’s a lot more beneath the surface of this certain individual than you realize. The grass is not always greener.
CANCER: Screaming babies, phones that won’t stop ringing with the home office, a libido that has nose-dived, a spouse you find increasingly insensitive to your moods? You are feeling overwhelmed. You spouse is tragically oblivious. Divorce is on your mind more than it should be. Yes, we know you even consulted with the divorce attorney. But try to hang tough. Give the marriage one more courageous push. It could well be worth it. If that fails, start gathering documents.
LEO: You are the most generous person but you have a mother in law from hell who has seriously strained your marriage. You have opened up your home to this person and it was clearly a mistake. You have started to hate going home and hate your spouse. You’ve been looking up divorce attorneys on the Internet. It’s bad. What advice can anyone give you, except, think things through carefully. Don’t be rash. Maybe the solution is as simple as building a guest house and moving into it with your spouse and leaving the Mother in the main house? Just for peace? You know she won’t have it any other way.
VIRGO: Yes, maybe you’re right and you were meant to live alone in a neat, clean, fragrant home where there are no cockroaches and not with this slob you ended up with. But you know what? Maybe you’re wrong. One solution is to get a cleaning lady. Sure, it’s expensive with this recession and joblessness going on. But isn’t your marriage to this otherwise wonderful human being worth it?
LIBRA: Oh, Libra. What is thy problem? You can’t make up your mind whether your marriage is the pitts or whether it’s quite worthy of your time and efforts? See an astrologer for clarity. Go away for a week alone. Eventually, the answers will come. Yes, we know. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you and the worse thing that’s ever happened to you. We appreciate your dilemma.
SCORPIO:  You’ve been a shopaholic lately and hiding your loot and this is immature and that is why your spouse has stopped going to marriage counseling with you. That is why your spouse had declared the marriage a lost cause. Because, frankly? Your shopping sprees are about to bankrupt your marriage and it’s not fair and it’s a big problem. Wake up! What is wrong with a few new pairs of shoes? Everything because you already have too many and you promised you would stop. Decide. Do you want to stay married? Or don’t you? If yes, return everything and never, ever shop without your spouse’s permission again. If no, keep up the good works. Great wardrobe! 🙂
SAGGITARIUS: It’s over. And deep down, you are relieved. The divorce process is not for you but you stood up for yourself because you can’t stand bullies and liars. You fought for what was rightfully yours and now you just want to take off for Malaysia for a month to unwind at a spa, don’t you? Well, go. Why not? It’s not like you have to worry about the kids. In hindsight it was a good idea to agree to just liberal visitation and give your spouse full custody. It is good for your freedom.
CAPRICORN: The reason for the breakdown in your marriage, pure and simple, was the money. There just wasn’t enough of it to allow you to live the life you felt you deserved to live at this stage of the game. Plus, the bad investments were a game changer because it was against your advice and wish. The marriage is unsalvageable. But it may benefit you financially to hang in there till January before you file.
AQUARIUS: Got the post-divorce blues? Nothing that a few glasses of Port can’t cure. Just don’t drink alone. It’s a bad and dangerous habit. Not that you would ever have to. You already have suitors knocking down your door, including the person in the corner office who thinks you’re pretty hot. Go slow, though. Try to learn from past mistakes.
PISCES: You are feeling so confused! There are two sides to every story and nobody wanted to listen to yours so that’s why you’ve decided that you don’t want to continue with the new relationship – your first post divorce. But you are being short sighted. First of all, your divorce is in the past. Nobody is judging you anymore except you. Second of all, it is not true that no one wanted to listen to you. You are over-reading and over-analyzing the past. But third of all, you have to let go. You have to give new love a chance. You deserve to find new love. And don’t worry. It won’t be a repeat of marriage number one. Get clarity. Everything will make sense if you just relax and go with the flow.
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