NEW YORK: The Goldman Sachs husband and how to divorce him

How to divorce the Goldman Sachs husband: Goldmanshacking is my portmanteau for shacking up with or being married to someone who works for Goldman Sachs – front office, of course. And, I guess, Goldmansmacking is the opposite – getting divorced from a Goldmansachser. Clever, eh?
goldmanSo, how does one Goldmansmack a Goldmansachser? Very carefully, that’s how. First of all, understand that you are dealing with someone, more than likely who is way more brilliant than you when it comes to number crunching, technology, algorithms, math, that kind of thing. What that means is that they can manipulate everything – especially assets such as cash and securities much better than the next guy. And they are likely to be very well connected with very loyal Skull and Bones type friends who will do anything for them. Including….well, anything. You have to be smarter, more manipulative, by far.
I was just reading on….hme….I forgot where….It could have been Forbes or Money or one of those…. But there was this article about billionaires and certain traits they all have. One of them is that they “cut their teeth” at Goldman Sachs. And I thought, “fascinating.” Let’s face it. Someone who got recruited/hired by Goldman probably went to Havard, Wharton or some other Ivy League school (another trait of billionaires) and/or they have an MBA, engineering degree or exceptional math proficiency (other traits of billionaires). So chances are, you are married to a very smart guy. (I say guy because let’s face it, how many women work in Goldman’s hedge fund/”risk arbitrage” units and go on to be the CEOs of major global banks and conglomerates and governmental entities like the Treasury? There’s still a major glass ceiling there.
So usually, a Goldmansachser is going to be male and when he marries, he usually takes a trophy wife who, if she works, does so only because she wants to – and not because she has to. So when it’s time to Goldmansmack him, she has to be very smart – or at least smart enough to get very smart counsel.
The type of woman who marries a Goldmansachser gets used to being pampered pretty quickly. It’s a posh life. And, understandably, she may tend to lose her interest in most things other than (yikes, I feel the stereotype coming on) but it seems the wives of wealthy business men like those who work for Goldman tend to be more interested in philanthropic causes, high-end shopping, socialite events and being a stay at home mother and wife (sorry if that insults anyone in the group) and hostess at parties thrown by her husband in their mutual, posh, art-laden home.
There is nothing wrong with that. I approve, actually. But what often happens when the divorce hits and it’s time to get Goldmansmacked is, these women don’t know anything about the finances, the bank accounts, the real estate, the secret account in tax havens (are there any of these left?) and exactly how much his bonus really is. Plus, by the time someone files for divorce (usually the wife because she just has reached the end of her rope), the marriage has already been in trouble for years probably and the smart monied spouse (the Goldmansachser husband) has already transferred a lot of the money to places and people that will never be tracked down.
You need an asset locator, a forensics accountant, a private investigator, a good set of shrinks. Because let me tell you something: Do you have kids? Chances are, today’s Goldmansachsers will want to retain custody. It is way cheaper than giving you custody and paying child support for twenty one years. A nanny is way cheaper than the ex wife. So to do that, he will probably brand you “insane” or in some way “unfit”. He will likely show that you did a stint in rehab or something and cast doubt on your mental fitness. So you need good experts so that your counsel can cross examine these wise-guys. And don’t worry. Your attorney can ask for attorney’s fees at the outset so you don’t have to worry that you can’t afford a good lawyer. But plan to spend big.
You have to watch this guy for the timing of the divorce. He will likely try to hit you at a time when his next bonus will be off the table and before his stock options vest. Do you have any idea how much money Goldman pays its top guys in its risk arbitrage unit?  I hear it is so much that the company routinely sends out memos to remind them not to let anybody find out for fear that the “jobless” recession-ravaged public (who helped foot the bill for TARP which Goldman, I think, partook of,  and which, tangentially, is responsible for some of the insane bonuses they will pay their guys), won’t get jealous. 
Never mind the public. It’s you we’re talking about. The wife in this scenario who’s getting her walking papers. I think, between now, and, say, December more of you will be getting your walking papers. If he doesn’t do it actually, he’ll do it constructively and his behavior will force you to file for divorce. The thing is, whatever his bonus is for this year (and reports are it’s going to be good), probably won’t be as much as it will be next year. So this is a good year for him to divorce you – and preferably before the beginning of 2010.
Contest it. If he is plaintiff, fight grounds. Because if you wait a few months, his 2010 bonus will vest and you are likely to walk away with a lot more than if you allow a divorce to go through now. Whatever you do, watch the in flows and outflows of the cash. And know the nuances of the market. Don’t look at me. I know nothing about this stuff. But keep up with websites like to figure out the trends in the financial netherworld. Read the Financial Times and the Wall Street Journal. And get yourself a really good lawyer experienced in handling high networth clientele such as CEOs, billionaires and celebrities- to do the Goldmansmacking correctly.
But in the meantime, happy Goldmanshacking!
oh, and don’t forget to put a cash value on any advance degrees he obtained during the marriage………..
More for trophy wives here:
Originally published October 11, 2009
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