Divorce horoscopes: DECEMBER, 2010
CAPRICORN – Dec. 22-Jan 19
Well, Cappy, what can anyone say? A divorcee’s life is never dull, that is for sure. If you are one of the recently divorced Capricorns out there, plan on receiving numerous invitations to holiday soirees and meeting a ton of interesting people and great dating prospects. New Year’s Eve especially promises to be an unforgettable evening for more reasons than one. You will witness two love interests come close to a duel to win your heart and even more people who compete to get their names on the place mat next to yours. What is the reason for your almost electrifying and captivating effect on so many? No one knows for sure. Not even you. But it will definitely be a heady time, to be sure. Word of caution: you must be very careful in how you go about selecting your next love. Sometimes, when faced with too many prospects, you’ve been known to pick the rotten apples. Rule of thumb: simply go against type ex. Bad boys (or girls) are not your speed. You are allergic. In the New Year, around March or so, you will be travelling – domestically and internationally – for both business and pleasure. Exercise caution when dealing with foreign currencies if you decide on a big purchase. Also, if you have children with your ex, it looks like you will be back in court sometime in the summer. If you don’t have children of your own, anticipate a visit from the stork. But it looks complicated, as if our ex is somehow involved with that. Brace yourself. http://www.flickr.com/photos/berna/2875640282/
FAMOUS CAPPY DIVORCES: Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Kid Rock
AQUARIUS – Jan 20 – Feb. 18
Divorced Aquarians have been having trouble in the dating pool. Especially those who got divorced in the last five years or so. It has been hard to adjust to this change in lifestyle and to find your footing, hasn’t it? What is commendable is that you have been perfectly happy to take your time and play the field. You don’t want to rush into another relationship and make another mistake – aka get another divorce. You refuse to give in to nosy family members and friends (and perfect strangers!) who seem to feel something is wrong with you for taking such a long time to find the next spouse. Never mind them. There is good news for you in 2011. The journey to your next marriage is ending on a happy note. You are destined to tie the knot again and it looks like many of you will in fact get married by the end of Summer. In the meantime, keep your head above the fray, stay busy and pour yourself into work and other activities just like you have been doing. This is a time of self-discovery that should be savored and appreciated for what it is. There is absolutely no need to get desperate if you are still single. By the time the nuptials happen, you will be quite ready to handle the commitment and responsibility in a way you never have been before. For New Years you will likely hang out with good friends in hot spots like Aspen, St. Barts, and St. Moritz. Dress to kill. You never know who you will meet.
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FAMOUS AQUARIAN DIVORCEES: Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Marie Presley, Denise Richards
PISCES Feb. 19 – Mar 20
Poor little Pisces is feeling more despondent as the year draws to a close. The thought of the holidays (especially for those divorced in 2010) fills you with complete dread. You can’t imagine your first Christmas and New Years (Or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa) without your ex. You’ve been crying a lot and the grief just intensifies as these traditional family days loom. The thing Pisces needs to know is that life is full of surprises, twists, turns and nuances. Just when you think life couldn’t possibly get worse or any drearier, something or someone materializes to fill your life and heart with cheer. Cheer up, Pisces! Things are going to get better. There is life after divorce. Try to remember that December 25 and December 31 are just days. Don’t put so much meaning on them – at lest not this year. For 2011 it would be awesome to see you involved in self-improvement of some sort – take up a new language like Chinese or Arabic. Learn to ski. Go back to school for a really high level degree, like a Phd. Run a marathon. Volunteer your services. Why not? These new activities will take your mind off your own problems and could lead to the type of cosmic surprise that could change your life forever, and for the better. Oh, and let go of the guilt. There’s no need for it.
FAMOUS PISCES DIVORCES: Kelsey Grammer, Bruce Willis, Tom Arnold
ARIES March 21 – Apr 19
Divorce cannot keep a good Aries down. There you are pulling out all the stops, being the life of the party, saying yes to everything, shopping till you drop. And glamour? Sex? Too much is never enough for your showy self. You have definitely been laying it on pretty thick and you’ve got big plans in the next few months – the Holidays and beyond – to keep up the party animal behavior. It’s a defense mechanism really. You are trying to dull the pain. And nobody wants to bust your bubble but might you consider toning things down a bit? First of all, your holiday plans are a bit risqué and you could find yourself in some serious trouble. So think it over. You know what they say about the best laid plans. The other thing is, the reason you’ve been partying so hard is that you want to dull the pain of your divorce. But while it’s not good to wallow and dwell on negative things, it is also healthy to experience something like divorce organically and work through the pain and the issues, and face up to them, rather than try to numb them and pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. Diamonds and booze and risky sex are only a band-aid. Later in the year, in the Fall, you will be back in court to deal with some residual issues pertaining to the divorce. Try not to lose your temper as it can only mean bad things for your camp. Consider changing attorneys.
FAMOUS ARIES DIVORCEES: Robin Wright Penn, Alec Baldwin, Kenny Chesney
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TAURUS April 20-May 20
My friend, you need to get away. You need to get far away from your current situation and the quicker you do this, the better it will be for everyone. For those of you who divorced recently, (as in 2010) your divorce was probably the messiest of all the zodiac signs in 2010. The bile, if you are honest, came from both sides. The children, as they say, are not alright. They are hurting because the two of you are acting like a bunch of rotten spoiled tomatoes. Stop it. Take a time out. Go away on a vacation. The cosmic universe is almost demanding it at this point because violence could be lurking beneath the veneer of this mess. Go someplace warm and inviting where people smile all the time even though they seemingly have so much less than you. It will be a great lesson. It will change you and re-direct your thinking and your approach to this domestic situation. Why not call the airlines now and book a holiday for the whole week of December 25-January 1? Hawaii is nice this time of year. So is Aruba, St. Barts, and the Seychelles. The kids will love it. It’s the best Christmas present you can give them. Try not to have a big fight with the ex over passports and things like that. Have your lawyer call the other lawyer and make nice….Oh, by the way, speaking of the cosmic universe, looks like you’ll be relocating permanently, to, you guessed it, a warm sunny climate by year’s end (2011).
FAMOUS TAURUS DIVORCEES: Rene Zellweger, Janet Jackson, Carmen Electra
GEMINI: May 21 – June 22
You will be purchasing a new home in the next six months. It will be the first home you own as a single, post-matrimony person. This will cheer you up considerably, even though it means you’ll be living alone for a while. Being single after a long marriage/relationship is hard, isn’t it? But not to worry. It won’t kill you. It may even make you feel happier and more at peace than you’ve felt in ages. Isn’t it incredibly liberating to know that you can do whatever you want and go wherever you want without needing a consensus? And guess what? This house-hunting has awakened a passion for real estate within you. This is going to be key to your future career successes. You’re ex is actually going to be very sorry, not to long from now, that the marriage cracked up. That’s because finally, you will be the winner that you were meant to be. Now, let’s talk about sex. Everybody knows you have a strong, healthy sex drive. But towards the end of your marriage things have not exactly been swinging in that regard. But all that will change starting around April. You will meet your sexual soul-mate through work. It will happen quite unexpectedly, and in a very unlikely scenario.
FAMOUS GEMINI DIVORCEE: Angelina Jolie, Donald Trump, Nicole Kidman
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CANCER Jun 22- July 22
Can divorce make you famous? It sure can. It is making you famous, isn’t it? Look at you strut your stuff like a celebrity at all these red carpet events. And why? All because you got divorced and found a way to make lemonade out of your lemons. You used your divorce and the pain it brought you to invent something or write a book, or start a blog, or create a DIVORCE MARGARITA, or launch the first ever exclusive SCENT OF DIVORCE aka a perfume specially targeted to divorced people, or maybe you invented to so called “divorce vaccine,” who knows? The sky is the limit. But whatever it is you are doing, it resonates with a lot of people and now, you are famous. You are a celebrity. In a real but strange way, your divorce was the best thing that ever happened to you. You’re right. You are in the midst of an exciting new career that will be very rewarding financially, interpersonally and spiritually. Plan to do a lot of press all over the country and maybe even around the world. You will meet tons of VIPS, billionaires, and movie stars who will just think you are an absolute genius. On top of that, you will have millions of fans who will likewise think you are something special. The most remarkable transformation is your ex. The two of you are enjoying a level of communication you did not have when you were married. You are even planning to share the holidays with the children this year, like one big happy family. Sometimes, you could swear that, maybe, a reconciliation is actually possible. It sends shock waves through your system.
FAMOUS CANCER DIVORCEES: Pamela Anderson, Tom Cruise, Jessica Simpson
LEO July 23-Aug. 22
Christmas is coming and the normally regal, coiffed and fabulous Leo goose is looking awfully fat. What is going on?! You’ve simply got to put aside the bon bons and chocolat! The Holidays will present countless opportunities for more over-indulgence but you don’t want to do this to yourself. Yes, you’ve taken the divorce really hard. It was a body blow. You didn’t see it coming. You even lost custody of your kids and everybody knows you of all people are the nurturer of the Zodiac. You love your kids. How could the judge not grant you custody? You got a nice settlement but no amount of money can make up for the hole in your heart. You didn’t even want the divorce, truth be told. You fought tooth and nail to hang on to your marriage. But guess what? Marriage is a two way street. Two people have to want to walk down it together. It wasn’t your fault. You did all you could. But you can’t force someone to want to stay. You can’t commandeer them to honor their commitment. You can only control yourself and you certainly can, and need to, control your eating. For the new year there will be more changes. In March or May, news will come via text or email that will get you back on track to being your fabulous, loved, nurturing self. New doors will open and usher in new people and possibly a new love. You will also convince the judge to change the custody order in your favor. If not outright physical custody, you are on tap to receive a huge increase in visitation.
FAMOUS LEO DIVORCEE: Sean Penn, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez
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VIRGO: Aug 23 – Sept 22
Face it. You were married to a monster, cheat and fraud and you are better off with the whole sordid mess behind you. You did the best you could. Sometimes in life, you just have to admit that you made a terrible mistake. This marriage was a mistake and the divorce was the right thing to do. Don’t beat yourself up about it anymore. Move on. It’s time. The holidays will be tough but here’s some good news: The wedding you’ve been invited to in January? It will go down in history as the best day of your life. That is because you are destined to meet someone who will give you a great idea which you will act on by midyear and which will bring you untold riches and that will ultimately lead you to “the one.” Now. About love. The news is good but you are going to have to be patient. First of all, know that you will meet the one – eventually. Just maybe not in 2011. You have to do some work on yourself. It is not going to be easy but you have to work on putting your past and all that hurt and pain behind you before the magic of love unfolds like a butterfly in your life. You have to forgive your ex, and forget your ex. You also have to forgive yourself. It is going to be a major process. But do it as fast as you can because until you complete the process it will be very difficult for you to recognize the one when he or she comes. Until you do, it will be very difficult to find a truly intimate, committed relationship worth having. Oh, once the one does materialize, it is going to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. But the road there may be a bit longer than you want, and it won’t be a straight path either. But don’t worry. The cosmic universe is on your side and working to bring you all good things.
FAMOUS VIRGO DIVORCE: Charlie Sheen, Billy Ray Cyrus, Leanne Rimes
LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23
You are one of the few who did not get divorced in 2010 but you have definitely been having a lot of marriage troubles and divorce was discussed (for those of you still married). You have been feeling as if you are trapped in a loveless marriage. It has been unsatisfying for a really long time. It would not be an exaggeration to say that all you want this Christmas is a big, fat divorce. Nobody can blame you really. You’ve been weighing the pros and cons for a while and you’ve been seeing your therapist about it. It’s hard to decide. It’s not like your spouse is a monster. This is not a situation where you are dealing with a cheat, fraud or abuser. It’s that you are not feeling the heat anymore. You are bored. But ask yourself: “is boredom really enough of a reason to throw my marriage away? Isn’t there anything I can do to spice things up?” Well, have you tried everything you can to repair the rusty parts? What about couple’s therapy? What about renewing your vows? Taking a second honeymoon? Trying more inventive sex? There can be a fairytale ending to this situation. Divorce is not a foregone conclusion. You just have to get past the bump. Why don’t you plan something extra special for the holidays – just the two of you? Take a romantic trip to the Alps? Or Africa? It might be the perfect antidote. Oh, and leave the kids with grandma. She won’t mind if it means you can save your marriage.
FAMOUS LIBRA DIVORCEES: Eminem, Usher, Nicky Hilton
SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 21
You are still experiencing depression, stress and a bit of rage from your divorce. Only time will fix this. But in the meantime, why don’t you think of pampering yourself for the holidays and try to forget about how pissed off you are? Oh, and this is really important: try to eschew booty calls with people you work with. Sure, you have your needs but this is only going to complicate your life further. You are addicted to love and sex and it’s the reason you keep getting married, divorced and re-married to all these Mr and Mrs. Wrongs. You know the pattern: It starts with the innocent drinks after work, then the booty call, then the marriage certificate, then the divorce. Stop it! Sure you need to reduce stress but not like this. Watch TV is you want to feel amused. Check out Conan, Lopez and Letterman. Get a good laugh instead of putting yourself at risk the way you have been doing. The holidays? Don’t even think about throwing a party. Not only will you further compromise yourself, it will stress you to the point of needing to go to a scream room….although, as a business venture, a scream room may not be a bad idea.
FAMOUS LIBRA DIVORCE: Larry King, Ted Turner, Whoopi Goldberg
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21
When are you coming home? The children miss you. It’s one thing to say you are travelling so that you can clear your head after this massive implosion that was once your marriage/relationship. But it is another thing to ignore your parental duties which are much more than just providing financially for them. They need you. They miss you. The very best Christmas present you can give them is if you come home. In 2011, plan on playing a more hands on roll in their lives as your significant ex will somehow be unable to be the main caregiver due to health or work concerns. One of the worse parts of divorce is what it does to the children. Try to keep in mind that you did not divorce them and they did not ask you for a divorce, nor do they want one. So get off your high horse and come home for Christmas. You’ve been selfish enough.
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS DIVORCE: Christina Aguilera, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears