The Kosher divorce: How to end a marriage "purely" so that even a Talmudic Rabbi would approve

How to have a kosher divorce (Tamar Epstein and Aharon Friedman take note)

Yesterday, I did a post called Divorce & the sex toy and my grand¬†conclusion was that one of the reasons so many marriages today smash up, is because of sex and it’s because sex has become almost “evil” and that means it is not “Kosher” and that causes a breakdown in a marriage. Call me prudish, you wouldn’t be the first.

Keeping it kosher

But the word kosher started to swim in my head and next thing you know, an idea for a post emerged. How to have a Kosher divorce? Well, look, I’m not Jewish even though I play one on Divorce Saloon –¬†one of my aliases is Jeannie Goldstein which sounds kinda Jewish. So when I use the word kosher, I don’t mean in a Jewish sense. Rather, I mean it in the sense of something that is pure. Something that is not rotten, putrid and unclean.
I think the first step towards a kosher divorce is to respect each other and to respect one-self; and with that as a foundation, I think it’s important to make the choice to divorce like mature human beings who have come to the unfortunate crossroads where they realize they are better off going their separate ways – without having to resort to name-calling, finger-pointing and character-assassinating.
A kosher divorce means that each side will do their part to remove any actual or metaphorical barriers to the other party moving on with their lives. There will be no agunots of any kind.
A kosher divorce is one where honesty prevails (am I freaking Pollyanna, or what?) where nobody hides assets, nobody lies to get a leg up in court, and nobody poisons the children against the other parent.
A kosher divorce happens when there is no back-stabbing or behind-back trashing of the other spouse.
A kosher divorce eschews the press and works out issues and problems collaboratively behind closed doors with legal professionals who practice discretion and who are not media whores.
A kosher divorce always ends in a joint custody arrangement where the children are concerned.
Parties of a kosher divorce are likely to still be friends afterwards, may take family vacations with the children, dine together on major holidays like thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or even birthdays; and they are model co-parents.
There is something spiritual and peaceful about the Kosher divorce. It defies religious or cultural persuasion, really because there are many couples who may even be atheists who can achieve this Zen type of divorce whereas some very highly religious people go absolutely ape shit. I mean, look at Mel Gibson. It wasn’t a divorce but it easily could have been, and the man is very religious – though, not necessarily “kosher.” In Hollywood, if I had to choose one couple that had the ultimate Kosher divorce, I would probably have to say Madonna and Guy Ritchie. I was tempted for a moment to say Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards since they are spending Christmas together with their girls. But that divorce was really messy. There was nothing kosher about it.
Oh, and even in divorce, sex is sacrosanct in the kosher scenario. There are not going to be any dirty stories of debauched sexual escapades when a divorce is done kosher-style. So that definitely excludes Charlie and Denise.
Originally published 12/23/10