On paying manimony

Originally published 12/30/08
Rule of thumb: if you are paying (or going to pay) manimony, you are what is called a “power wife” or an “alpha wife.”
Power wives and alpha wives wear the pants in the family because they make more money than their husbands. Whoever has the most money wears the pants. It’s true. If you look at all the power wives in Hollywood, every single one out earns their spouse and they all paid manimony: Madonna, Halle, Sharon, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Britney, Christie, Ivana, Star, Oprah… All of these women, of varying generations, were or are, alpha wives (or common law wives) because they called the shots in their relationships to a greater extent than, say, the average socialite might call the shots ( Marie Douglas David is not a power wife. Neither is… well, maybe Nancy Silverman was a power wife but it wasn’t the money.)
Power comes from money. The difference is currency, darling. Cash. Moulah. Money talks, and the husbands of these women jump to the beat, and eventually most of them have or will, walk out of the marriage, due to testosterone. Ultimately a man can’t handle this preposterous situation. Cause, this is preposterous.
I never understood the concept of a kept man, or a house husband, or manimony, for that matter. And I”m a divorce lawyer! This should be no biggie for me to handle. But I can’t handle it. I cannot conceive of “keeping” a man in a financial context. This bothers my equilibrium.  I would not respect my husband if I was “keeping” him. I cannot conceive of a “house husband” I would not respect him. Manimony? God. Do you want my fangs coming out or what? Only kidding. I shouldn’t say these things. Irresponsible. I am a modern, cosmopolitan woman. I realize that the world is upside down, and things are all turned around. But still! Manimony? M.A.N.I.M.O.N.Y? You want me to pay manimony? Oh my god.
Yes, to answer your question, if you make more than your husband does, you will likely have to pay maninomy. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to like it, it is the law in New York. If you are the monied spouse, you will pay spousal support. So, if Madonna and Guy Ritchie were getting divorced in New York, she would pay her ex husband through the nose, just like she did in London.
In Guy’s defense, he doesn’t strike me as a house-husband. He is very manly in a very masculine sort of way. I don’t think he sat home and, you know, knitted, while Madonna was off doing her half naked concerts and shaking her bon bons in front of teenage boys and college aged young men. But still. He got manimony. Reportedly about $92 million worth of it.
Jesus. Mary and Joseph. You know, maybe I should either never marry, or never get rich. Because I am not paying manimony. I don’t care whatthe law is. Alright. I went too far. I take it back. What I will do is I will get a prenup. I WILL GET A PRENUP. But I. will. not. pay. manimony! That is retarded, contrary to my wiring, and just wrong. Plus, it’s against my religion and I am not going to violate my religion. Got it?
Of course, if you are my client, I advise you to pay the manimony if you were ordered to do so.
…You know what? Pretend you didn’t read this. And definitely don’t tell anyone I said any of this. Because, you know what? MARRIAGE IS AN ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP AND I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO FEEL THE WAY I FEEL. I say too many outrageous things and I need to stop it. I am a lawyer. If I expect my clients to follow the law and pay their manimony, I need to show a good example. And it’s not like I ever even have to worry about that. Where would I get money to pay a man? So scratch what I said.  Don’t repeat it.  I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of me and get me in trouble with big shots in Albany. Okay? Besides, by tomorrow, maybe I will change my mind. No, really, I do that a lot. I change my mind a lot. I’m capricious.
So, until Tomorrow, dear reader….