Can lies save your marriage?

Can lies save your marriage?
Lying to your spouse could actually save your fledgling marriage! I think so because the fact of the matter is, most people, including those with whom we have intimate relationships, cannot handle the ugly truth a lot of times. Didn’t Jack Nicholson sayso? THEY CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! 
Sometimes it’s the truth that destroys your marriage when you come right down to it. Case in point, you may no longer be in love with your spouse and in fact, you are in love with someone else. Telling your spouse this ugly truth will likely lead to a breakdown of the marriage – even if you don’t actually want to divorce for your own reasons – and it’s likely to be an ugly, protracted breakup too. Another example is the spouse who no longer wants to cohabit with his or her spouse but wants to stay married for the health insurance. This actually happened to someone I know and it was ugly. Once the wife discovered that she was being used for her health coverage, the marriage was over. It would have been better if he had lied or kept his mouth shut. Think your spouse is fat and unattractive and not the person you married as far as their attractive quotient is concerned? Don’t tell them the truth. LIE!!!! Otherwise you could wreck your happy home and family life and end up in divorce court.
What other lies could save your marriage? Well, as it turns out, a lot of married people are actually gay. But coming out will only do bad things to the marital union. So keep lying if you want to hang on to the marriage. I hate to say it but you are better off cheating on the side than fessing up to a mess like this.
What else? Staying mum about one’s sexual satisfaction or lack thereof is good for marriage most of the time – if you want the marriage. Nobody wants to hear that he or she is a dud in bed. It’s bad for morale. Do you have fake body parts?   It may not be prudent to confess if this is something that matters to your spouse. In other words, let’s say your buttocks are inflated. But that is exactly the thing that attracted you to your spouse. Are you going to confess after the ring and ceremony? I say that would be a very dumb idea.
Age is another thing that can unravel a marriage. Some people care about the age of their spouse. So for example, let’s say husband and wife get married. Husband thinks wife is 35. But through the magic of plastic surgery, wife only looks 35. She is really 55. That can blow a marriage right up because husband may want kids and may be quite confused about why wife is not getting pregnant after all their efforts. If he found out she’s really 55, well, I mean, if she confessed? It could be the end of the whole thing. She is better keeping her mouth shut and going with the lie rather than confessing. And never let him see the passport.
What other lies can save your marriage? Well, how you feel about friends and in laws is a big one. For some folks, this is a tipping point. So keep your truths to yourself. What about money? That may be the biggest one of all. All things having to do with money are like kerosene with a scratched match on a marriage. Lie to keep that equilibrium at all costs. So for example, if you lied about your actual networth (you said you were middle class and you are really working class at best) don’t fess up; if you pretend to be rich when you are bankrupt, don’t fess up (sure the truth will come out eventually but let it be by another source if you want to save your marriage); if you are a shopaholic, hide the loot and make sure your spouse doesn’t find out if you have been warned about shopping sprees.
There are so many ways that lying to your spouse can actually save your marriage. But truthfully? It is not good to tell lies. Seriously. Lies are bad. And if you are terrible at lying but you lie anyway? You will trip yourself up. So better to tell the truth if, like me, you can’t lie with confidence (my dad says one of my best qualities and my worse flaws is that I am too blunt; I tell the truth. I tell it like it is) But if you can pull it off? Well, I don’t want to say anything. I’m just playing devil’s advocate. I don’t really believe in telling lies. Actually, I hate liars. Especially liars who are good at telling lies.
Originally published November 22, 2009 as, Can Lying to Your Spouse Help You Avoid Divorce