How to cheat "respectfully" when you're married

I just saw a story about NBA star (is he retired yet?) Shaquille O’Neal. Apparently he has a new memoir coming out, Shaq: Uncut: My story and he basically cops to having cheated on his ex wife Shaunie, repeatedly, but that he didn’t “do it disrespectfully.” So it got me to thinking about that as a possible blog post: How to cheat “respectfully.”
Now, before I even start with my list, I should say that I don’t personally think there’s a way to cheat respectfully. I think cheating is fundamentally disrespectful. And the older I get, the more solid this opinion becomes. There is no way to cheat respectfully in a marriage, or even a relationship without the benefit of marriage. But marriage is sacrosanct and if you’re cheating while married, you’re disrespecting your spouse. Period. But, if I could just play devil’s advocate… 🙂
How could one who is so inclined, cheat respectfully if he or she absolutely must?
1. Don’t cheat on your spouse with friends of your spouse.
2. Don’t bring your trollops into the marital home and under no circumstances do they place their asses on the marital bed; and while you’re at it, don’t bring your trollops anyplace you’ve been with your spouse or where your spouse is likely to go — like restaurants, social clubs, and things like that. Take the trollops someplace far away!
3. Don’t introduce your spouse to your lover and act as if it’s not your lover and make an ass of your spouse in this manner by giving the lover the upper hand — which effectively is what you do when you make this introduction knowing you’re bonking the other person, but while your spouse is completely oblivious to what is going on; but even if your spouse knows what’s going on, don’t do this.
4. Don’t be thinking of your lover when you are making love to your spouse.
5. Don’t introduce your lover to your children with your spouse.
6. Don’t give your lover more expensive gifts than you give your spouse and then leave the receipts hanging around so that your spouse will “accidentally” find them.
7. Don’t use the “L” word with your lover.
8. Don’t spread the affair around the circles in which your spouse travels so that the joke is on your spouse and everyone is in on the joke except your spouse.
9. If you fall for the lover don’t start to treat your spouse like garbage just so they will have no other choice but to ask for a divorce; be a man or woman about it and ask for a divorce without resorting to treating your spouse like garbage.
10. Never make the “mistake” of calling your spouse by your lover’s name.
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