Time to invest and begin to wear sexy underwear from Agent Provocateur (or Victorias Secret if you’re on a budget) and strut your way through life. See what happened when you wore grannie panties? Your husband left you. So stop it. Start to wear sexy underwear. You never know. Your energy may attract the real Mr. Right. He’ll just think you’re absolutely irresistible.
Step three. Do something indulgent. One idea is to lease a Maybach Landaulet to escort you from divorce court (last day when the judge signs the divorce judgment) if you have the means. (Best case scenario is to buy one, of course. But if you can’t afford to buy one outright, rent it for the day.) These luxury German cars are described as “majestic” “exclusive” “impressive” and “inimitable.” This is exactly the image you want to convey after the implosion known as your life the last few months. Look, if it’s good enough for MC Lil Wayne who was released from state prison in Queens, New York on 11.5.2010 and was chauffeured in a black Maybach, I say it’s good enough for any sexy/glam divorcée who wants to make a statement. Now, ‘course, these little hussies don’t come cheap. So this tip is not going to work for everybody.
Step four. Tighten your ass and tummy, stat. Either hire Traci Anderson or if you can’t afford it, get thee to a gymorie. Equinox, New York Sport Club, Golds Gym, Hard Candy, your living room floor, whatever. Whatever. That gut you’ve grown due to divorce stress is not appropriate, glamorous or sexy. If you can’t do the gym scene, then get a Jane Fonda cardio DVD (I think they come in DVD) and start to do something about the divorce weight situation. Because if you aren’t toned and tight, you simply aren’t sexy and glamorous. Sorry. But those are the rules and I don’t make the rules so don’t shoot the messenger (I’m fat, btw, so I am not judging you on this issue whatsoever).
Step five. Do not cut your hair unless absolutely necessary. Make sure to get all greys covered up (unless you’re one of those that looks like a million bucks with silver hair) and go to the salon for a deep condition. Whatever it takes to have shiny healthy looking hair, do it. It will make you look like a million bucks without breaking the bank.
Step six. Start dating right away to bring out your inner sex kitten (who has probably been dormant for way too long!) but don’t just date anybody. Trade up. Make sure he’s the president of something.
Step seven. Yes, indeed, Virginia. You need a stiletto.
Step eight. Get a subscription to Vogue and dress accordingly.
Step nine. Go off on a trip somewhere like St. Barts, Ibiza, Paris or Monaco.
Step ten. Invest in a signature red lipstick (but whiten your teeth first).
Step eleven. Buy a sexy shaving kit and get rid of the hirsute mess you have going on all over your body. You’re a woman, darnit. Start looking like one.
Step twelve. Begin a food journal and start cooking simple, delish dinners and lunches for your friends (even if strictly platonic) and ALWAYS serve champagne (never wine, beer or anything uncouth.)
Step thirteen. Check into a luxury hotel in your city for weekends and never order room service – instead dine in the hotel restaurants, cafes and bistros and flirt shamelessly with everyone who is even just marginally attractive. Make sure you are coiffed, shaved and toting a copy of the Wall Street Journal.
Step fourteen. Take French classes (Or Spanish, Or Italian)
Step fifteen. Get a new pair of breasts
Step sixteen. Downsize from a big ridiculous house and get a glitzy, sophisticated pied a terre in a cosmopolitan city – New York, Paris, London, Los Angeles, Chicago, Hong Kong, Dubai, Vegas, Stockholm – where you can womanly begin the next and most important chapter of your life.
Step seventeen. The art of the bubble bath – indulge regularly.
Step eighteen. Make some kick ass Margaritas and invite friends over for cocktails once per month.
Step nineteen. Learn to cook like a seductress. Your next husband will appreciate it immensely. So, practice, practice……. 🙂
Originally published November 26, 2010 in the “Life and Style” section