Gwyneth Paltrow getting divorced? How is this even possible?!

A Note to Gwyneth:
Gwyneth are you kidding me? You got me out of retirement for god’s sakes! You can’t possibly be divorcing that magnificent hunk of British hotness. Are you insane??? Where do you go from here? Where are the “contenders”? Brad is still with Angelina. Ben is still with Jennifer. Who is left for heaven’s sakes? George Clooney? He only likes dead chicks! Jay Z? I mean let’s get serious he is not going to leave Beyonce!
Gwyneth, seriously, I am very sad about this. I know you must be sad too even though this must have been a long time coming. Marriages take a good three years to unravel so you were in crisis as early as 2010 if not sooner. You have been gradually moving on though. That is why you bought that house in Los Angeles to “be near your mother.” You were untangling yourself from England. Now it makes sense.
OMG. Gwyneth!
Are you sure there is nothing you can do to save this marriage? I mean, what does “consciously uncouple” mean? This is a precursor to a divorce but it does not have to mean divorce although it always does except in the case of…. who has ever separated only to return to the marriage and made a success of it? I cannot think of one couple who announced “we are separating” who then turned aound and got back together and lasted. So it really is a farce. What this means is that it is over with you and Chris. You are getting divorced. You are changing last names and homes and countries and beds and everything besides.
So then I start thinking of that Vanity Fair thing from last year and I start wondering if any of those rumors were true? There was a piece that tried to link you to some billionaire guy in Florida or something. Is this all true, Gwynnie?
OMG.
Gwyneth, you have made me so sad. What is next? A vicious battle for Apple and Moses? And whether they will live in England or America? I can’t believe this Gwyneth. Say it isn’t so! I am having another one of my grand mind twisting dreams.