Filed in Marriage Advice
Before you marry, put your man to the test to make sure he’s the one – so that you can really marry Mr. Right which means you are less likely to end up getting a divorce
This post is for the girls. (Sorry boys but I have no idea how men test women and so I can’t write that post.) But I do know how women ought to test men, prior to marriage and for the most part, we can thank my friend, whom I will call Monica, who was always the advocate of “putting them to the test” early in the relationship, to weed out Mr. Wrongs.
(She was the one who said to me “there’s no point in boinking if you’re not going to get an “O.” It only took me decades to get what she meant.) But yea, she had a way with men and she was always “putting them to the test.” She would say, “Never listen to their words. Observe his behavior as well, and sometimes, just come up with scenarios that will place him in a position to take a stand on something, and see what he does and listen to what he says.” She’s so right. The devil is in the details and the subtext and if women would take the time to really get beneath the veneer of what a man is saying verbally and nonverbally (verbal and nonverbal communication is very key in the beginning of relationships) she could save herself not only heartache, but a divorce, later on. So, here are twenty little tests to conduct (secretly, of course) so that you can figure out if this is a man worth marrying or not.
Well, before you even begin, how does he kiss? Because if he isn’t good no point going any further. So as a threshold matter, check out this post K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
And now for the quiz:
1. The “other woman” test
This is a very critical test that you must conduct, possibly several times in the relationship, pre-marriage. This test must be conducted under varying variables. Every and any woman is a potential guinea pig. That includes: your mother, sister, best friend, niece, class mates, workmates, his coworkers, the bikini clad, surgically enhanced bimbo at the beach, every body. With this test, you have to just observe how he is with these women and what does he say to them as compared to what he says to you. You also have to look at his behavior around these women. Is he gaping? Is he paying them more attention than he pays to you? Does he keep gushing about how “beautiful” or “hot” this other woman is? Or does he seem to irrationally “despise” this woman for no apparent reason? When he thinks you are not looking, who is he looking at? You? Or the other woman? Does his behavior with other women make you feel jealous and insecure? When you mention your feelings about this to him does he make you feel like you’re “paranoid”? If yes, don’t marry him. He’s insensitive to your feelings and it will only get worse.
2. The “What’s my name” test
This test has to be timed correctly. I would say you do this test after going on a couple of dates with this guy or right before you go to his apartment to “make out.” Just casually say, “you want me to come back your place? hmmmmmm……well, answer this question, ‘what’s my last name?'” Notice I said “last” name. He will know your first name, for sure. But if he’s expecting sex from you, or if you have spent more than one date together and he doesn’t know your full name? He’s bad news. He’s not into you. He’s playing games and he’s going to use you. Even if he marries you, you will feel his lack of attentiveness eventually; you will feel he’s not into you and the marriage is not going to work. Men who are into women? They always know her FULL name up front. And they don’t forget it. There’s just something about the last name, and them knowing it or not knowing it, up front, that is very key to a relationship. If a man is not utterly curious about you and doesn’t know your full name from day one, drop him like a brick. Even if he subsequently learns your name after you drill it into his head, and the relationship “improves” something is naturally missing. A very crucial element. So, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.
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3. The “Damsel in Distress Test”
With this test, you are trying to find out how he views you and what he will do if you really need him. Is he there for you? Or conveniently missing in action when you really need him? With this test, it’s about how protective he will be of you in the relationship, and how much he cares about your happiness and how far he will go to see to it that you are “safe” and “secure.” So figure out some kind of stunt that you can pull to secretly test him to see if he has the protective impulse towards you. If he doesn’t DO NOT MARRY HIM.
4. The door/sidewalk test
With this test, you want to see, once again, how protective he is and if he thinks of you as a “lady.” So when you are walking with him you want to always walk slightly ahead of him. So he has to make a real effort to get the door for you. Or, if you are walking outside, observe whether he at least makes the effort to walk on the side of the traffic and allow you to walk on the inside. This is old fashioned, true. But a true gentleman and one who is concerned about your safety and well-being (this is why they have testosterone and we don’t) will naturally want to take that aggressive position. If he doesn’t, don’t marry him.
5. The Birthday Test
Tell him your birthday almost immediately and watch to see if he remembers. He should not require a lot of reminders. A woman’s birthday is one of those things that a man who is really into you? He just remembers. This inheres in men. If he constantly forgets your birthday, even after gentle reminders? Or god forbid, he doesn’t get you a present, no matter how modest? Dump him. Don’t marry him. He’s not going to change after marriage. But you will. It will no longer be okay to be taken for granted; this will cause friction; other problems will stem from this fundamental problem, and you will get divorced. (Of course, you need to remember his birthday too. But usu. we girls are pretty good at that.)
6. The ethno-cultural test
This test is for when you are somehow different: religion, race, ethnicity, whatever. The trick with this test is to really get his true views of people who are not like him; and specifically people in your “group.” Mostly, you want to listen to the things he says and read the subtext and make your decision accordingly. Don’t make excuses for him. Don’t tell yourself “he didn’t mean it” when he insults something about your ethnicity or culture. He means it. More than you know. And after marriage? It will really occur to you in the most profound ways how much he means it. By then, you’re trapped in an unhappy marriage. So this is a listening test. He shouldn’t even know what you’re up to with this one.
7. The “can he keep a secret” test
Tell him something that personal (but maybe not your deepest, darkest secret) but one that you may not want out there; let him know you don’t want it out there. And see what he does with the information. If he tells even one more person? Make a negative inference. And reconsider whether to marry him or not. If he spreads it around to, like, more than one person? He’s a nightmare waiting to happen. You will have absolutely no privacy in your marriage. Needless to say, that is not a sustainable situation.
8. The “Fart” Test
Can he handle the fact that you fart? To figure this out, you simply have to fart in his presence. No, seriously. Let out a monster bomb and see what he does.
9. The “Whose side is he on” test
This test is very important. Before you marry a guy, make sure that you know whose side he’s on. And I don’t care how trivial the scenario. He’s on your side. Period. Or don’t marry him. This is especially key when you are dealing with his friends and family who may not “like” you. Observe how he handles any conflicts and if you have any doubts about whose side he’s on? Don’t get married. Also, if you tell him scenarios about, say, work, or whatever and he always has an explanation for the other person’s side and leave you feeling empty and alone and misunderstood? Dump him.
10. The “How does he fight” test
Well, if he gets violent even once, and hits you or even punches walls? Don’t marry him. You should be able to have disagreements and even fights without being afraid that he’s going to hurt you. If you’re not sure about it, eschew the marriage.
11. The “mama” test
Is he unreasonably attached to his mother? And how is his mother with you? Very key questions.
12. The “Baby mama” Test
Does he have an ex-wife or a woman with whom he has minor children? Because when you marry him, you are basically marrying these people. So you need to know what you’re getting yourself into. Does the baby mama “drive him crazy?” Watch that. Does he talk about her constantly? Watch that. Does she act nice to him but she’s mean to you behind his back? Watch that.
13. The “Anything you can do I can do better” test
How competitive is he? A little bit of competition between spouses is probably healthy. But if it gets to the point that he puts you down and diminishes your accomplishments or anything about you to elevate his ego, don’t marry him. For example, let’s say you have a college degree and he doesn’t. So he says things like, “I thought you were supposed to be intelligent.” Or “for someone with a college education, you sure have no common sense.” Watch that. Usually, if a man has equal or more education than you? He would never say that to you. Only a competitive man who is probably jealous of your accomplishments would try to put you down like that. It only gets worse after marriage. And statistics show that marriages where the woman has more education than her husband are LESS successful than when the husband has more education than the wife. I don’t make the rules. Don’t shoot the messenger.
14. The “First date” test
Any man who makes you pay for the first date is Mr. Wrong. Period. You marry him and you will find out the hard way why I’ve come to that conclusion. So, on the first date, don’t even try to pretend to take out your wallet and see what he does.
15. The “Does he like me as I am” test
We women always like to put our best face forward with men we are interested in. But sometimes, just totally do the opposite. If you normally wear make-up, go for periods of time where you don’t wear make-up in his presence. Or relax your diet and allow yourself to gain a few pounds; or cuss in front of him if you normally don’t curse; or fart; or just do stuff that would give him pause and see how he reacts to it. Do you have to be little Ms. Perfect to keep his adoration? Or can you be yourself? And also, when you are around others, see how he responds to you. Is he proud of you? Or does he seem like he likes you better when you’re alone but then when you are around other people, he gets kind of weird and you come away from these “outings” feeling insecure and confused. This is a red flag. Or, let’s say he’s encouraging you to get plastic surgery; or do your hair in a style you don’t like; or comparing you to other women. The kiss of death is when he compares you to his ex, or to one of your friends – but you come out lacking. Dump this guy as quickly as you can say dump. He’s bad news for you.
16. The Orgasm Test
Observe if he cares or not that you are sexually satisfied. And does he want you to perform certain acts but then he has excuses why he can’t reciprocate?
17. The “Is he a liar or a truth-teller” test
With this test, you have to trip him up and figure out if he’s telling you the truth or if he’s lying to you. The good thing is, women tend to have a much better long term memory than men. We journal. We make mental notes. So you have to ask him the same questions at different times and using different adjectives and adverbs and see if his answer changes. Don’t even call him on the lies. Just make a mental note and as soon as possible, get out of there. He’s a nightmare waiting to happen. Marriage to a guy like this is completely negligent.
18. The “Words vs. actions” test
Ask him “do you love me?” And listen to his answer. Watch is body language, look at his face and in his eyes. Then, at separate times, just observe his actions and see whether they match up with his words. He loves you but he can’t come pick you up at the train station on a rainy night because he’s too tired? He loves you but he beats you? He loves you and you’re sick and he’s oblivious?
19. The Health tests
Prior to marriage and prior to any intimate activity, you have to find a way to ask him to get tested for EVERYTHING. And you have to do the same. Whatever the tests reveal, at least you should be making an informed decision to get married in spite of it. No surprises. Now, this test is hard because how do you tactfully ask someone to do this? You know? It’s awkward. It’s very awkward. But I think it’s negligent not to these days. And if he flips out if you bring it up, then, you need to think twice about marriage; or even proceeding to step B with the relationship.
20. The “how many games is he willing to play” test
With this test you are trying to see if you are dealing with a man or a boy. Boys play games and keep you guessing and stress you out with their antics and hot/cold behavior. Follow the three strikes you’re out rule. Don’t play games yourself and if you sense that he’s playing games with you, give him exactly three chances to cut the nonsense and after that, just drop him like a brick. If you marry a gamer, he’s going to game you in marriage. Trust me, nobody plays worse mind games than married people. And it’s so toxic to a relationship. It either is or it isn’t. If he’s playing games during the dating process, and you are playing it straight and you want to play it straight but he’s just caught up in his immature games? DON’T MARRY HIM.
So, those are 20 tests. Try them as soon as possible in the dating process and even if behavior improves, proceed cautiously with marriage. A leopard can’t change his spots.
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