Divorce Horoscopes 2014

Aquarius

Recently, divorced aquarians just can’t seem to make up their minds. About anything. Do they or don’t they? Can they or should they? Will they or won’t they. Aquarius is confused and disillusioned. People think it is wishy washiness and capriciousness but really, it’s confusion. And unfortunately this will continue for all of 2014. And guess what? This is not a big tragedy. Sometimes it is like that. Just come to grips with it and of course, come to grips with the reality of your failed marriage as well and eventually, slowly but surely, you will be back to your old self. Be patient. And ask those around you for their patience and prayers as well.

Pisces

The family business really went through a major overhaul after your divorce and everyone is giving you the cold shoulder because you were advised before you married this person to get a prenup and you didn’t. They are especially nervous because you are already gallivanting with the new person not even 3 months after the divorce. Another lapse in your judgment could spell Financial disaster for your family, Pisces. You are advised to spend the rest of this year salvaging what is left of your family’s confidence in you. The elders can scarce believe the decimation caused by your immature choices and they are about to disinherit you till you get your act together.

Aries

Family squabbles coupled with divorce depression is pushing you over the edge. Which way do you go to save yourself? You feel pushed to the wall and naturally this has put you in a deep funk.  Why can’t you find one person who is “sincere” in your close circles, you wonder. You should do some research on divorce retreats and get away for a little bit. We do not advise you to go off on Holiday solo but a divorce retreat will be good for you. You will meet people similarly situated and get new ideas and opportunities to make the right decision for the next chapter of your life.

Taurus

You need to find a private investigator, like right away. Something is not right with your soon to be ex. This person has hidden a lot of your mutual assets in a tropical place like Costa Rica, the Bahamas or Antigua. There are at least 2 bank accounts and there are  also some pieces of real estate. What you don’t know is hurting you, Taurus. This is major. Start researching private investigators, like, today!

Gemini

Gemini, I advise you to get a pet if you do not have one. It cannot replace the loss you feel. You need something to pour all your love and affection on and a pet is the easiest and quickest solution. Make it little and furry if you are so inclined, or get a big german Shepard if you prefer that kind of animal. But yes, however you twist it and turn it, you need an animal.

Cancer

Cancer, you have such a great attitude about this situation that people in your close circles are mystified. What is it that gives you such a great attitude about this divorce that has burdened everyone affected by it including your children and in laws.  You are able to handle things they way you are because you have secretly been listening to motivational tapes. You understand that what constitutes a good life is your attitude and you have decided that your divorce will not have a negative effect on your life. Good for you.

Leo

You have not gone crazy but all this talk about taking Elon Musk’s Space X into space and actually spending money on that? It is starting to freak out your mother. She is really worried about you that you may have a death wish since the divorce. And a big major part of it is that while she loves her grandkids she has zero interest in being responsible for 3 lives just now when she has found love again after 25 years of singlehood, should you go up to space and neer come back. Honestly, Leo, you really need to think of others other than yourself.

Virgo

Virgo, you know what you need to do to pull yourself out of the funk you are in? You need to get a new pair of shoes. Seriously. That is literally all you need to do is get new shoes and this is going to change your whole philosophy about everything. And it is going to transform your life. Get yourself a new pair of life-transforming shoes. And put a bounce in your steps and let it have an effect on your life and future. Shoes. The answer is shoes.

Libra

Everything you need is within your reach, Lib. Just snap out of your OMG-I-am-divorced reverie and get on with it. Don’t be so disillusioned about everything. How do you begin to get back into it? I don’t know, take a class. Take up a new task. Take cooking lessons or something. But snap out of it, please. Reach for it. Go for it. This is your life! Do you think this is some kind of dress rehearsal that you can do over after you get through wasting all of it or something? You can find meaning in your life if you just reach, Libby. Reach!

Scorpio

Scorpio, its time to turn on the red lights and sound the sirens. You are not going to be able to go through the doors if you keep up with this weight gain. Time to make a mid-course correction. You are eating too much, Scorp. It is not okay that you are doing this because you are depressed about your divorce. A lot of people go through divorce and they dont put on this much weight. It is unhealthy and unattractive, Scorp. Get a grip. Change course. Today. For God’s Sakes.

Saggitarius

You know what, Sag? The Neighbors are starting to talk. You are off the rails and they all know it and see it and they are starting to talk. The state of your home during the divorce is a serious, serious issue, Sag. You can’t act like a “hoarder” and think that the courts are not going to make a negative inference especially when you have kids in the picture. On top of that, you have some false friends in your midst and word is getting back to places that you don’t realize. Re-think everything, Sag.

Capricorn

Nobody is better at setting and executing goals than Cappy. So post-divorce what goals have you set for yourself and how you are going to rebound? This is key to moving on and getting back your joie de vivre. Remember that everything is in the way you think. You have made some errors in judgment not the least of which was marrying this person but there are some great treasures waiting to be harvested, Cappy and the key is going to be how you set and execute your goals.