Gwyneth and Cris: The divorcing couple who refuses to divorce

I have finally figured out what consciously uncoupling means and it does not mean a divorce. It does not even mean a separation. To wit: Gwyneth Paltrow and Cris Martin. What the heck is going on with these two? I love em, but what is really up with these two? They are starting to drive me a bit bonkers…I was bonkers to begin with to be fair. Case in point I just smashed up a ceramic bowl because I could not find my favorite popcorn bowl and this drove me to the edge (it was an accident, I swear!)….But I digress…. This thing with Gwyneth and Cris is definitely weird. I have never heard or seen anything like it before. What is up? Are they experimenting? Is this a grand experiment on their part to see if they can have an open marriage? Because they have not filed for divorce or separation. So these two are legally still one hundred percent married.
But then so much weirdness in the interim, starting with the “consciously uncoupling” announcement back in March and the divorce honeymoon in the Bahamas then:
Exhibit A: Cris just bought a house directly across the street from Gwyneth in Brentwood so that the kids can be near both their parents – according to sources. This is weird. I mean, if things are going well, fine. But when serious dating begins with other people? To have your ex (well, your spouse) across the street being able to use binoculars and see everything? Isn’t Cris supposed to be hot and heavy with Jennifer Lawrence, for example? How is Jennifer to feel about this? Is she ok with this or is she delusional or is she in denial or what? She is going to get hurt by these two. They are playing games. They are making this up as they go along. They are just experimenting with their marriage, stretching things a bit.; bending each other’s minds. But they have not let go of each other. Neither of them wants that.
Exhibit B: Gwyneth’s panties. She posted this set of sexy panties on her lifestyle blog, GOOP and guess what? They bore her initials that went something like GKPM which experts have determined are her initials that include Cris Martin’s last name! WTF? One article appropriately read: “What is Gwyneth Paltrow’s panties trying to tell us?” And I could not agree more with the insinuation. Those panties were speech directed at anyone who thinks this marriage is over – in particular, clueless lasses like Jennifer Lawrence. Gwyneth is sending subliminal messages to the competition that she still has a hold on this guy who just happens to be her husband. It was a little bit bitchy, actually. And I say that with love because I love Gwyneth. But that was a low move on her part considering she is supposed to be stepping aside and letting him find happiness with someone else and considering she supposedly gives this relationship with Jennifer her blessing. Yea sure. You can’t have it both ways, Gwennie. You can’t profess to give your blessing on him moving on, then post your panties – YOU’RE FRICKIN PANTIES! – up on a website with a tongue in cheek message like that. You are not fooling anyone Gwyneth. And poor Jennifer must be feeling incredibly insecure which is exactly what you wanted. Gwinnie, this was a Joan Rivers move…(oh, btw, nice move hiring Martha Stewart’s ex CEO)…I digress…
Exhibit C: Cris will not be caught dead in public with Jennifer, his supposed new love interest. There has been no photos of them out together on any of their supposed “romantic” dates. Why the big secret? When you are into someone and you love them, you want the whole world  to know. Just look at George Clooney – Exhibit D! This is how a man acts when he is in love!  All I keep hearing is that Chris is acting “out of respect for Gwyneth” but I gotta say, if I were the other woman, this shit would get real tired in a New York Minute and it will have to stop! What the heck is up with all this “respect?” Seriously, if you feel this much respect for her, Cris, then you probably shouldn’t have “unconsciously uncoupled” from her. Make up your frickin mind already.
Exhibit D: Cris threw this amazing birthday bash for Gwyneth on September 28 at his new mansion in Brentwood and didn’t even invite his girlfriend. According to sources, everybody who is anybody was there including the actress’s mother Blythe Danner. But it was an intimate group of friends. What a nice gesture. But completely out of step with normal behavior of a recently divorced or separated couple. It is nice they care so much for each other, but then why divorce? It is either they are not really getting divorced or they are putting on a show. But for whom? For whom do they put on this show? And for this long?! It is nearly a year since they made the announcement that they were supposedly going their separate ways yet they are sticking to each other like glue nontheless. This does not make any darn sense and it is frankly starting to annoy me because I feel they are taking me for a darned fool. If I were Jennifer Lawrence I would definitely be kicking up a fit right about now.
Poor Jennifer. How can she compete in this situation? Gwyneth is older, wiser and fertiler. She gave this guy two gorgeous kids. She still looks amazingly hot at 42, not much older than Jennifer who is only 24. Plus they have that ten year history. Jennifer cannot really compete. She has a very nice body, Jennifer does and maybe she could try to leverage it (she is a lot curvier than Gwyneth for example) but in the end, she is probably in over her head in this situation. Those two people have not let go of each other and have no intentions of doing so in the near future. They are locked in some weird marital struggle, a weird game. Anybody who gets involved in this is going to be hurt if they are not super careful. Because Cris and Gwyneth have not yet DECIDED if they will every divorce. They are probably still sleeping together. Gwyneth is jealous and territorial about this thing with Jennifer and she is fighting dirty. Cris  won’t let her go definitively. Indeed, this is a little bit ridiculous and I don’ want to talk about it I would much rather go eat my popcorn. All I want to say is that Cris and Gwyneth need to stop lying to themselves and to the American people. Don’t you concur?