On the Proper Care of a Vagina, For Young Wives

When Donald Trump was caught on tape saying the “p” word, the country and maybe the entire planet collectively gasped. Nobody could believe that a man running for president had used the word pussy. It’s as if it is a big crime or something to refer to a woman’s body parts.

I happen to like the word pussy. It reminds me of a soft kitten. I also happen to think it looks very pretty in print. And besides, it sounds a lot softer than “vagina.”It’s like “hello world guess what? I have a pussy!” And then its like, come on everybody, say it with me “pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy galore!”

Giggle, giggle.

OMG.

But ofcourse I would never say that to my parish priest. The real truth is I like that it is so shocking to say it, and so liberating too. I get a kick out of saying it just to watch people squirm uncomfortably. As if they don’t think stuff that is so much worse. I’m just saying…

Women have a sexual organ just as men do and yes, we give it all sorts of names including “pussy,” “fish,” “lady parts,” “coochie” “twat” “cat” and, yes, “vagina.” It’s not a big deal. The fact that Donald Trump saying the “p” word got everybody bent out of shape only goes to show how puritanical and hypocritical we can be in society and that is why so many young women are confused about their own bodies. When these women marry young, they can be even more stressed about this subject than older women. That is why I decided to write this post, along with my friend Kristen Weng who provided her two cents worth on a couple of points.

The thing about young women who are recently married is they tend to obsess about their pussies because they are inexperienced and they don’t want to do anything that could cause their husbands to be turned off.

So how do you take care of your vagina, young lady. There are some do’s and don’ts as well as diet advice and some general observations. First of all the do’s:

  • Do’s
  1. Do groom yourself, if possible daily, by shaving, exfoliating, massaging, creaming, deodorizing and observing your body to keep it fresh and sweet and irresistible.
  2. Do Wash it frequently to get rid of smelly bacteria that can build up every 4-6 hours after your last shower. This cuts down significantly on odor.
  3. Go commando when at home. Never wear underwear unless you are outside of your dwelling. The reason for this is your vagina really likes a lot of fresh air to blow up there and cool it down.
  4. When you do wear underwear, make sure it is cotton. At least in the crotch.
  5. Get annual GYN exams just to make sure everything is functioning as it should and there are no infections.
  6. Use condoms even if you are married and you are sure your husband is not cheating on you as semen can upset the PH balance in your vagina and leave you itchy and infection.
  7. Use underarm deodorant down there if you think it is necessary to cut down on odor. (The idea that you have an infection if you have an odor is nonsense. It is like your armpits. Would you go to work without putting deodorant under your armpits? And a lot of girls who say not to use deodorant down there are using it themselves and just want you to smell bad so don’t listen to them.)
  8. Pee after sex.
  9. Wash after sex.
  10. Wipe from front to back.
  11. Exercise it everyday by doing your Kegels and other tightening exercises.
  • Don’ts
  1. Don’t douche more than twice a year as this tends to kill off the good bacteria called lactobacilli, upset the PH balance in your vag, and leaves you exposed to infections.
    Don’t overuse scented soaps and gels. Yes, you should use a soap with a nice, mild scent because contrary to popular opinion, most women who don’t, are offending the people around them. But do not go for scents that are too harsh and too strong as these can upset the PH balance and cause irritation – at a minimum.
  2. Don’t forget to remove your tampon as often as possible.
  3. Wear menstrual pads for more than 3 hours at a time. Change as frequently as needed but not more than 3 hours with the same pad.
  4. Don’t wear tight clothes for too long – if possible avoid them altogether.
  5. Don’t wear thongs except maybe for a few minutes before sex with your husband to show off the perfect ass you shaped out at the gym.

Diet

Your vagina appreciates the right types of food and drinks. So here is what you should eat and not eat and what to drink and not drink if you want to have a sweet-smelling vagina:

  • Eat lots of fruits like peaches, grapes, pineapples, oranges and apples.
  • Eat soy products. Avoid broccoli and asparagus.
  • Eat Greek yogurt.
  • Drink a lot of water.
  • Also drink cranberry juice and apple juice in large quantities.
  • Avoid coffee wine and beer. These really can make some women’s vaginas smell like dead corpses. Which is not that fantastic.