Married to a narc
Are you married to a narcissist? Or are you one? And is this wrecking your marriage, aka driving you to divorce court? Or maybe you haven’t put a label on it but you know that something is off in your relationship and you feel yourself becoming increasingly unhappy and thoughts of divorce occur very frequently in your mind?
How you even know that the problem is narcissism? How do you tell that your spouse is a narc? Or that your spouse has a narcissistic personality disorder?
Well, does he or she have a grandiose view of who they are? There is a big difference between healthy self esteem and believing in yourself and being confident in who you are versus being a narc. Narcissists believe that they are bigger and more than they are and they have an attitude that you should bow down to that bigness and worship it and give it respect that they are unwilling to give to you. It could be based on their looks and often it is about how they perceive themselves to look versus how you look or how others around them look. Narcissists believe they are better looking than you and better looking than most and the fact that they are better looking makes them superior to you and therefore you should appreciate the fact that they are even lowering themselves to be with you. Narcs destroy your self esteem.
Another sign that you are with a narcissist is that they really think the world revolves around them and that other people, namely you, owe them. They are special because they are the most important person in the room and in the relationship. You are less special or not special at all. You owe them total devotion and servitude. You owe them all your energies and emotions. You owe them your very existence. You treat them like a queen or princess or prince or king. They treat you like crap. You remain at their beck and call. You do as they say. You respect them. You must be sensitive to them and their feelings – because they will hold you to it – but they can be insensitive to you and your feelings because do you even have feelings? They were blissfully unaware that you even had feelings! And certainly, they are not bound by any rules that you may enact.
Added to that, narcissists make you feel bad about yourself and bad about your accomplishments and bad about everything that makes you. They are very critical of you and nothing that you do and nothing that you have makes you as good as they are – even when you have more. In a way it is like living with a competitive sore loser who compares you to themselves but you always come up lacking even when you are clearly the winner in that particular situation. So you have a great job that you love and that you are competent at?
The narcissist will remind you constantly of that one mistake you made that shows you are not really all that competent. Bought a house at 22 that you are really proud of? The narcissist who doesn’t even have a house yet at 40 will point out that it is in a bad neighborhood (which probably isn’t even true.) Proud of the results you are getting at the gym lately? The narcissist will point out “yea but your boobs are still hanging a little.”
Meanwhile, he has a potbelly from here to Vietnam but you are not pointing that out to him.
In conversations with the narcissist, you never reach closure because he or she does not care about your issues and your problems. They only want to talk about their needs and their issues and their problems and your purpose in life is to listen to them and help them solve their problems. There is no time to deal with your crap. Every conversation finds a way back to them and what they need. You simply don’t count with a narc.
By the way, divorcing a narc will be hell if you don’t have a prenup. Especially if you are the spouse with the money.