How to Divorce an Assassin


So you married a sexy, badass person and it didn’t work out and now you are sitting in Starbucks scared senseless and wondering how to get out of the situation before this person kills you? Wow. That is all I have to say. Wow. Because guess what? You probably deserve to be in this mess because guess what? You must have known this person was totally not normal before you went ahead and tied the knot with this individual and I bet you money that people tried to stop you from doing this to yourself and I can only hope you did not bring children into this situation!

So how do you divorce an assassin? Are you talking to me? How the heck would I know? I have never married an assassin and I sure as heck don’t know how to divorce one!

Tell you what: Why don’t you google it? I bet you there are tons and tons of manuals on this topic. I mean, look. I can sympathize to a certain extent. Some of these people are sexy as hell.  They know how to dress, the right perfume and colognes to wear, how to move and where to place their hands. It can be totally intoxicating, mesmerizing to be under the spell of one of these people.

If I had to advise you about how to divorce an assassin, I would say, very smartly. Don’t let this person even smell that you are going to be filing for divorce. Move out of the house first and hide. Then ask your lawyer to do an order to show cause to ask the judge to hide your identity and address from this individual. The thing is, without proof that this person is a murderous nut job, you could have a hard time convincing the court to redact all your info and let you file anonymously. Do you have proof that your spouse is an assassin? Is anything about them out there in the news? Or is this an up and coming assassin who you think is planning their first hit imminently? Are they on any lists? Like the FBI most wanted? You may have to negotiate a witness protection deal and maybe turn them in. But after, you better think of getting plastic surgery to totally change your face.

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